Iniquity
by Locked
Summary: Sometimes it's easier telling your friends the truth, if you don't have to look them in the eyes. (I'm considering turning this into something longer. Let me know if you think it's a good idea.)


To: PD

from xx

_Digital exhange between SH and JW, August 3rd 20XX_

re:_ new insights into TH incident._

**SH:** Bored!

**JW:** Then you could go and get the milk instead of spamming me online.

**SH:** Dull!

**JW:** Didn't your brother tell you that raping the exclamation mark is bad as well?

**SH:** Yes, he did. Why do you think I'm doing it?

**JW:** Good point. Can't you phone L- or something?

**SH:** He's mad at me. Something about A-. Wasn't paying attention.

**JW:** Well, that's your problem not mine. You probably ought to apologise, you know. Anyway, I'm busy.

**SH:** What are you doing?

**JW:** Just looking some things up.

**JW:** It's not very interesting.

**SH:** What things?

**JW:** Just things. I wouldn't want to bore you.

**SH:** You always bore me. You are deflecting. What are you looking up?

**JW:** I'd really rather not discuss it.

**SH:** I'm gonna find out anyway, might as well tell me

**JW:** No you aren't.

**SH:** Don't be silly. Of course I am

**JW:** Fine, alright. My dates haven't been going that well lately.

**SH:** I know.

**JW:** Yeah, well I'm sure you can figure it out.

**SH:** So. What exactly are you looking for?

**JW:** Let's just say that this conversation is putting me off quite a bit.

**SH:** Oh.

**JW:** Yes, thank you. Now can we please cut this extremely embarrassing conversation?

**SH:** I'm not embarrassed.

**JW:** Figures.

**SH:** Are you embarrassed?

**JW:** A bit yeah.

**SH:** Don't be.

**JW:** Well it's not exactly something we're in the habit of discussing.

**SH:** Why are you sitting in your room?

**JW:** Are you seriously asking me that?

**SH:** I'm just wondering. You don't usually bring your laptop to your room.

**JW:** Yeah, this is not something usually done in front of others. I figured you wouldn't appreciate it.

**SH:** I don't mind.

**JW:** Seriously?

**SH:** Yes. Why should I. It's just a biological thing. You have no problem eating or sleeping down here.

**JW:** Yeah, well this is generally considered a little more intimate than those things you mentioned.

**SH:** I suppose. But I don't really see why.

**JW:** Because it's something you usually only share with your partner?

**SH:** Yes. But you don't have a partner right now. And I'm not exactly asking you to share anything, I'm just saying you don't have to hide away on my account.

**JW:** That's... oddly considerate of you.

**SH:** You're welcome.

**JW:** I'm rather not in the mood any more.

**SH:** Oh. Sorry, I suppose.

**JW:** What for?

**SH:** Putting you off.

**JW:** I'd rather find someone anyway

**SH:** Interesting. Why?

**JW:** Because it's not just about feeling good for a while, but making someone else feel that way as well.

**JW:** You know, you'd know all this if you actually ever went and had a proper relationship with someone.

**SH:** Too much work, just to learn something I can as easily discover by observing you.

**JW:** Figures that you'd think so.

**SH:** I'm right.

**JW:** Why haven't you ever given it a try? Do you actually have a reason or are you just afraid?

**SH:** I have.

**JW:** Tried it or have a reason?

**SH:** Both.

**JW:** Oh. Well then.

**JW:** Would I be right in assuming that both are related?

**SH:** Of course.

**JW:** S-?

**SH:** Yes?

**JW:** It ended badly, didn't it?

**SH:** It begun badly. It ended disastrously..

**JW:** It's not related with the drugs is it?

**SH:** Not directly, no.

**JW:** Well, that's not exactly relieving either.

**JW:** Do you want to tell me what happened?

**SH:** Why?

**JW:** Because it might make you feel better about it?

**JW:** Because it might make me understand your motivations better.

**SH:** I don't feel bad about it. I tried something, it didn't work out and I learned a lot.

**SH:** But for once in my life, I would rather have remained ignorant

**JW:** I.. see. There's a lot I wish I could have been spared from as well when it comes to this, but I'm still trying.

**SH:** That's the part I don't really understand. That people can keep doing this. It can't truly be worth it.

**JW:** I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. But then again, when things work, it's easy as breathing.

**SH:** I don't believe that.

**JW:** I should know. I almost got married once. I'm a bit surprised Mycroft never told you that.

**SH:** He did.

**JW:** It was working. I'd probably still be with her if she would have agreed to wait.

**SH:** But you had to go.

**JW:** To Afghanistan, yes.

**SH:** She didn't understand?

**JW:** In a way she did, I suppose.

**SH:** Then why did it end?

**JW:** There's a difference between understanding and accepting.

**JW:** It was a remarkably anticlimatic break-up. No fighting involved.

**JW:** You would have been bored to tears.

**SH:** But you were hurt?

**JW:** Of course.

**SH:** But you keep trying. Why?

**JW:** Because, I suppose, I'm naive enough to think that I might be able to find that again. Well, something as steady anyway

**JW:** Every relationship is different from the last.

**SH:** I suppose so...

**JW:** You shouldn't think that everyone is going to be like that last person, S-.

**SH:** There was nothing wrong with the other person.

**JW:** Well, in that case, not everyone is as incompatible with you

**SH:** It's not a question of compatibility. It's just not my area

**JW:** If you are absolutely sure. Just think about it, though. There certainly isn't anything wrong with you.

**SH:** J-, I know you mean well, but you don't have to lie to me.

**JW:** Why would I be lying?

**SH:** There is something wrong with me. I'm fully aware of it, and so are you. It's not a problem, it's just the way things are.

**JW:** Do you really think that? Sure, you might be more intelligent than most people in this city and maybe a tad quirky, but there really is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, let me assure you. Even that claim about you being a sociopath clearly isn't true.

**SH:** J-. Don't!

**JW:** What? Why not?

**SH:** I know how you see me. But I also know what I am. I'm ... damaged. Got my wires crossed, someone once said.

**JW:** What do you mean wires crossed? And having a hard past doesn't make you any... less than other people. If it does anything, it makes you wiser.

**SH:** I've come to accept a long time ago, that no one can stand being around me for long. It's the way I am, and I have no intention of changing.

**JW:** What are Mrs H-, M-, L- and I? Imaginary friends?

**SH:** M- is my brother. We try to avoid spending more time together than absolutely necessary. Mrs H- and L- can handle me in small doses. And you. I don't really know how you do it.

**JW:** Me neither, but no one's forcing me to live here and I'm quite enjoying it, in fact, so unless you want me to leave, I have no intention of doing so.

**SH:** Of course I don't want you to leave. But it doesn't prove anything about me. It's about you. You are a very unique person

**JW:** Hardly. If anyone's unique, it's you.

**SH:** That's putting it mildly

**JW:** I still think that there's nothing wrong with you.

**SH:** That's very kind of you, J-

**JW:** Just decent, really.

**JW:** Did that last person tell you that there was something wrong with you?

**SH:** Yes. And they were right. I was horrible.

**JW:** Why do you think so?

**SH:** We had an argument. I was losing. And then I just started talking, observing, taking them apart. I couldn't stop.

**SH:** It got pretty bad.

**JW:** Oh. Well, I can't see that going down very well.

**SH:** Precisely. You have seen what I can do, when I don't stop to consider people's feelings. Imagine what happens when I'm actually aiming to hurt.

**JW:** That's.. a bit not good.

**JW:** What did they do? Before and after.

**SH:** The fight was about something stupid. Inconsequential. But I got stubborn and wouldn't back down. After... The note told me exactly how twisted and sick I am.

**JW:** You can be stubborn yes. But it was their fault as well, if they let it go on.

**JW:** And everyone makes mistakes.

**JW:** You must have learned things from that encounter.

**SH:** Yes. I have learned that I hurt people if I let them get too close

**JW:** That's not it. You must have learned to control what you say at least a little.

**JW:** You have never truly hurt me with your deductions, you know. Even thought I know for a fact that you've been angry at me,

**SH:** J-, I don't think you understand. I killed him. I didn't push him, but it was me who drove him to that rooftop.

**SH:** I'm never risking anything like that again.

**JW:** S-, I'm sorry.

**JW:** I don't think you are a killer. There must have been something else to it as well.

**SH:** Of course there was. Every regret of his life, every mistake and dirty little secret, laid out before him. I'm sure I had very little to do with it.

**JW:** I'm not saying what you did was right, but it was his decision. And you were angry. I know it probably isn't much consolation, but you were only protecting yourself the best you could. It's a natural reaction. And you have clearly learned from it.

**JW:** You are not a bad person, S-.

**SH:** But I am. Don't you see. I haven't learned anything. I still do it all the time. To everybody. And it's only a matter of time before I go too far again. I know it. And still I can't stop.

**JW:** You deduce people yes. You comment on the things you see very rarely though.

**SH:** Right...

**JW:** There are so many things you could have said about my sister that first night.

**JW:** You didn't.

**JW:** Or the psychosomatic limp.

**JW:** Or the state of my mental health.

**SH:** I said enough. Most other people would have knocked me down for just half the things I said to you.

**JW:** Perhaps. I think you've improved while I've lived here though. I'd like to think that having a reason to try has done you some good.

**SH:** Don't make me seem like something I'm not. It hurts too much.

**JW:** I'm sorry, S-. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought it up. I didn't know though.

**SH:** It's probably for the best that you know now. Safer for you.

**JW:** I don't think you could ever do that. Not like that anyway.

**JW:** You do know that I've been happier now than I was before right?

**SH:** I've seen it yes. Not sure I understand it though.

**JW:** I have company, someone who actually wants me there. And then there's the cases. Everyone knows I'm, to put it kindly, an adrenalin junkie. And you don't seem to mind. I can work again. I actually have a life.

**SH:** It is good. This thing we have. And yes, it has been good for me. I suppose I am better now than I've been for a very long time.

**JW:** I'm glad to hear that. Really. I do think that you deserve some happiness. It sounds like you have never had much of it.

**SH:** I'm not looking for happiness. Just... Oh I don't know. I just don't want to hurt.

**JW:** That would be a good start, yeah.

**SH:** And you give me that. Most of the time.

**JW:** Good, I want to.

**SH:** But it's not always enough. Sometimes, between cases, when the boredom sets in, it still hurts. It hurts so much I just want to escape it.

**JW:** Promise me you'll tell me next time, okay?

**SH:** I can't. I'm not always, how do you put it, completely rational, about things like that.

**JW:** Will you tell me if I ask you about it when I think you might be hurting?

**SH:** I think I can do that, yes.

**JW:** All right. Good. We'll try that.

**SH:** Thank you, J-.

**JW:** I'll feel better if you aren't miserable as well.

**SH:** I'll do my best.

**JW:** Just remember to let me help.

**JW:** You know, I meant it when I said that this was the most important relationship in my life at the moment.

**SH:** That's what scares me though

**JW:** I'm a grown man, S-.

**SH:** I don't doubt that. But you can still break. Everyone can. You can still leave.

**JW:** Of course I can. And you can, obviously, as well. Trust me when I say that I'd rather be here than in that little bedsit with nothing but my cane and my gun.

**SH:** I'd rather have you here as well.

**JW:** Good. I'm glad we agree on that.

**SH:** And I'm sorry if I sometimes drive you up the walls.

**JW:** I know.

**JW:** It's going to be just fine, trust me.

**SH:** I do.

_I know this reveals nothing about the actual incident, that we did not already know, but I think this is the first time my brother has actually talked about what happened. It must be significant. Please let me know your thoughts on the subject._

_MH_


End file.
